How To Find Time To Write As A Parent.
Things I've read that actually help.
I’m sitting in my son’s nursery. Rocking back and forth, back and forth. He’s woken from his nap far too early. I have finished my online grocery order, made my five year old son lunch and just sat down to finalise a q&a I had done late last year when this nursery was not yet a nursery. It has taken me months to review and edit. I have been writing in tiny fragments of time for the past five years. The in-between which feels more borrowed than truly mine. Time does not belong to me. It’s simply on loan. That is what happened when I decided to have children. Like time, money holds even more value. Money is how I buy alone time. Forget gold, time is the real commodity. It is time parents are all chasing. Time together and time apart.
In moments when I plan to write, like naptime, I often find myself not only interrupted but in a state of overwhelm. Do I eat lunch or do I write? Do I make use of that fitness app I purchased for $29.99 a month or do I write? Do I make a dent on the pile of washing or do I write? Each time, I waste more time deciding than I do actually completing a task. The prodigious mental load of responsibilities in parenting is universal and the introduction to
essay, Making Time Work For You, so poignantly captures this. She writes, “I’d just returned home from getting my kids to school and before my baby was going to wake up, I wanted to do 30 minutes of something. But I was in the delirium new moms face when they’re met with a rare, sparkling moment of freedom and don’t quite know what to do with it:open the boxes that are in the hallway?
clear the kitchen counter?
send off these emails?
proofread that story,
take a shower,
call the doctor,
cream my face?
The more the options reveal themselves, the more urgent they seem. And somehow their natural hierarchy dissolves. Brushing my teeth feels as focus-intensive as writing the sum of a book.”
Sitting, rocking and staring at the door. I want to put him down but I can’t of fear he will wake. I should allow myself to fall asleep. I am tired enough to. But that would mean my time would be wasted. I shouldn’t say wasted. No time with our kids is ever wasted. But when my mind is distracted it feels as though I am throwing away my time with him. Why can I not focus on being a mother? Is a question that swirls around my mind, along with other existential crises. Another 15 minutes passes and I am still fixated on that piece I desperately want to hit publish on. My brain short-circuits to more story ideas. I don’t have my phone and I tell myself I’ll write this down later but even I am self aware enough to know, I will not remember. Then my mind glitches and moves onto the realities. Logistics. I told myself I’d really go for it this year. How can I pursue a creative career? Or perhaps a better question is how can I afford to pursue a creative career? That is rich in both the literal and figurative sense.
When I posed the question: Parents of Substack who work a day job and still find time to write consistently… How? I was floored when
who is the author of the very successful newsletter, Retail Therapy, which has now acquired by Puck, replied, “lol I didn’t sleep”. Wow, isn’t that telling? I feared. Often the only time I can exhale is once the kitchen is clean and everyone is fast asleep. Others commented about early morning routines, again, when the household is quiet and still, but that does not work when my household is full of early risers. Another suggested working in blocks of 25 minutes fragments but if I am to treat Substack and my writing as a job, then 25 minutes will simply not cut it. I’m not sure of the answer I was searching for. Deep down I know there is no blueprint or hack other than prioritising my work to achieve what I want to achieve in my lifetime or as Tony Robbins more poetically describes it, “Where focus goes, energy flows.”Now the guilt sets in. Why can I not be a present parent? Why can’t I simply just be in this moment with my five month old son? Then I start to think about money again. Money to help seperate my time and my thoughts. To be at work when at work. To be with my kids when I’m with my kids. Then denial sets in. Is anyone actually a present parent anyway? Then problem solving: how can I have both? How can I be both, a present parent and a profitable writer? Yes. I said it. Profitable. I want to make money. Enough money to not have to think about money. Enough money to perhaps buy myself time to write by means of a housekeeper, gardener, oh and most importantly, childcare. Money to lighten the load.
Now I’m worrying I sound greedy and selfish and ungrateful. After-all, women are not suppose to talk about money especially when making money is in competition with making a home. But money does buy time, or in my case, childcare to then work and have my days with my sons and to be present. To dote and to play, and care and spend time, not lose time or waste time or to be distracted by the draft I have sitting open on my laptop. Now, I’m thinking considering how I spend my time, again. How to use time wisely.
Is there really ever enough time? Or the right time? Or perfect conditions? I don’t think so but when I am trying to read, research, and write I do need workable conditions eg. very few distractions and for a mother of young children, that can be near impossible as
points out in her piece, So I quite my day job, “E.B. White famously, and rather annoyingly, once said that ‘A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word on paper.’ The non-ideal conditions which Mr. White goes on to describe involve a cleaning lady vacuuming under his desk, or writing in the middle of his living room while his family fusses around him. How annoying to have someone cleaning your house while you write! E.B. White was clearly never responsible for a one-year-old child who has just learned to walk and is absolutely adamant about climbing stairs and demanding her mother’s full attention.”I have for the past five years put my career on hold. I have still worked (currently on maternity leave). I have worked within my husband’s business and around the family unit, surviving only on morsels of spare time. Though, I am every bit grateful and proud of what my husband and I have achieved, I have become even more of a glutton when it comes to want more. I have goals I will not share, not for fear of failure but because I am still peddling the Peloton while school holidays resumes for another week or so. I will however, share what I have done in the meantime to set myself up for the new year. Hoping to go off-road and find my own way forward.
Apart from the articles I mentioned above, here’s a few more things I’ve been consuming.
FIRSTLY CONSIDER…
A MENTOR—
.
I hired a business mentor the end of last year. So far we have had one session and will resume again in February. Sure I could work this all out myself but that is not time well spent for me. I need help. I need clarity, critique and reassurance. And most of all, I need accountability. If you don’t have the means to do so just yet, she also writes a great Substack on business and personal branding.
SET CHILDCARE DAYS—
Well, my parents 1 x day for now.
I truly don’t know a better solution than childcare. My eldest son will start school shortly so he will be in their care for 5 days a week but having a five month old at home whose routine isn’t quite routine at the moment means naps are still unpredictable. If I am to stick to anything, I need consistency and one way to do this is have my parents care for him a day per week. My husband and I have also discussed a nanny for another day and schedules for working at night–that is another point I want to make! If you are the primary carer, you need to be open with your spouse about what you want and decide together how to make it happen.
READ—
Atomic Habits By James Clear.
Yes, I am very late to the self improvement party and to be honest I’m actually only listening to this book not reading it. I’ve found it even more enlightening the second time. Not only am I learning how to break bad habits, create new ones but I’m learning about myself and why I do the things I do. To write consistently, it will need to become a habit that is a non-negotiable in my life. Period.
The Art Of Trusting Yourself By .
Emily is the founder of fashion label, Sporty & Rich and I have just recently subscribed to her Substack. The opener of this pice got me. Emily writes, “One of the most heart breaking things you will ever have to fo in life is make decisions that will absolutely devastate you, but necessary for your growth.” What can be more devastating than choosing to spend time away from my kids and focusing something that may or may not pay off?
How To Manifest Everything You Have Ever Wanted By .
For those who don’t know Dianna, she is the founder of cult hair-care brand Crown Affair which I also use and love (the leave-in conditioner and air-dry mousse are great fyi). In this post, she take the read through how to manifest. This has just the right amount of woo and reality, “remember real change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s built through consistency–thinking deeply about what you want, visualizing it, and showing up daily, even in small ways, to work smart and stay aligned.” Amen.
Here’s How To Grow On Substack By .
This is probably the most realistic version of these I have read. It is detailed and it is paywalled for good reason. I enjoy Erika’s writing as well as her strategic tips on how to move the needle.
16 Easy Organizing hacks For Your Closet, Clothing And Beyond By .
I read this a while ago and I spent a day last week clearing my room and closet and wow it freed a lot of mind space. I don’t know anyone that can work efficiently in a messy space. I have been a big fan of Jess’s newsletter for a couple of years now and this one gives both chic, inexpensive and realistic organisation and storage solutions. Everything from vertical jewellery cabinets to thermal shipping label printers for seamless product returns.
Better Sources Of Inspiration Than Pinterest By .
Part of my brain short-circuiting is because because I read so much online that I forget to seek inspiration offline. Emily makes some very valid points like People Watching! God, I love to people watch and find paying attention to what they are wearing and how they are wearing a particular piece so inspiring and noteworthy. As well as saying yes to invitations even if you don’t know anyone. Conversations I’ve had often spark ideas, and in some cases change my point of view.
Issue #31: Notes From A Monday Morning By .
I found this piece to be beautifully heart-breaking and so intensely accurate when describing the non-existent “break” from parenthood when working. “When people ask about our childcare arrangement, I always say that sending her out of the house to the nanny and going to the office are a nice break, but even as I say that I know that there is, actually, no such thing as a break. She is felt in my body when I walk, run, sit, stand. She is felt in my tired eyes, the ones that struggle to stay open as I stare at Excel spreadsheets and linelists. She is felt in my back, from all the lifting out of the crib, attempting to set back down. She is felt in my knees, from bending down over and over and over again to pick up whatever food she dropped on the floor. She is inescapable, really.”
If you have read anything helpful then please share in the comments below, I’d love to read it.
Jade x
I loved this Jade, much resonated and also connected with how much progress I’ve made as my youngest approaches 4. Recognition of the “trench years” helped, knowing it was a fleeting season, and I’m desperately trying to be brutally clear on what I’m trying to achieve and why. This post made me want to be a Substack genius, but I must remind myself that’s not the goal. Stay focused lady.
It's.so. hard.
All of it.
Finding time for yourself, navigating motherhood, trying to retain some brain space for...anything else. But you're doing great, and you'll figure out your routine eventually, and then it will change, and change again. This season of life is one with wild ups and downs and inconsistencies and beauty and struggle and I often find myself more than frustrated with it. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the old days of doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted! I'm a year and a half in and I still have no idea who I am or what I want to be in this journey, but it's here, so nothing to do but take it day by day.
You're doing great. x